A Work in Progress

It's Saturday morning house is quiet and I'm enjoying a nice hot cup of breakfast while I try to figure out the basics of this whole blog format stuff. I've been playing with font size and colors the last couple of days. It seems that with another birthday I am beginning to notice that small print has gotten smaller and harder to read. And while purple on black is favorite color combo of mine lots of little pretty purple words were starting to get blurry as I rambled on....so now they are white and I think easier to read. And I love that whole zebra - black/white look as well. Good news is my sweet baby girl is coming home tonight and she is a computer wiz and she is going to help me make some cosmetic changes to my blog. Most important I am hoping she will help me fix the follower prob too...I know for a fact that I have a HUGE following of at least 8 BFF's and every single one of them has said "You are so funny!! Keep blogging!!! And yes, take me to see Oprah when she calls you". But not a single one of them or me can get them on my follower list. Now if I were the only one having a prob doing this I'd say well, its prolly the wine or I am just truly STUPID....but all of us???We can't all be Stupid....notice I didn't say we all couldn't be drinking wine...these are my BFF's afterall and I know my girls. They are not stupid but they do love their wine and they are all on my Girly Girl Liquid Diet too now....we are all gonna be so cute and skinny together in rehab with all the celebs. Forget going to LA on the hopes of seeing a celeb up close live and personal - jes drink up and head to rehab. Does insurance cover that?

Someone smarter than me also suggested that I break my ramblings up into more of a paragraph style so I am going to try that too. And this a good time to explain exactly what my writing style is and that most of the grammatical and spelling errors are done ON PURPOSE. (I have spellcheck people so when a word looks funny and I am not trying to be funny I either correct it with spellcheck or I use another word. That explains why this is prolly written on a third grade level...) I am sure by now you have figured out I just ramble on and on which means all my sentences tend to ramble on and on all together. My apologies to all my English teachers - you did your best and this is not your fault. I do it on purpose to make me happy and trick my readers into thinking "Oh, she's not an idiot - she's just funny and doing it on PURPOSE to be funnier." So there, all you smarty pants...until I sign a book/movie deal and some important person in charge of me is saying I have to stop and fix all that or they will not be giving me that big ole fat paycheck I am going to save my sanity and not worry about where the periods and commas really should go. You are smart enough to know that. So it is a win/win and everybody's happy. And hopefully laughing. If not maybe you need to read this blog with a glass of wine/dinner. I personally think I am WAAAY funnier around dinner time. Right now is breakfast and I'm a little worried that I'm not as funny now on caffiene/coffee - see the word caffiene looks "funny" to me and I do have spellcheck but I jes realized I don't know how to make it work and I don't know another word for it so I feel the need to explain. Time to have a dictionary handy. Now if this were dinner time/five o'clock somewhere I would not be so worried about any of this. So I think in the future I will only blog after dinner/glass of wine. You should prolly only read this after your dinner/glass of wine too.

Anyhoo...please keep reading and coming back and I'll keep trying to make it funnier and better and a good time will be had by all. And yes, I'll yak about more of my favorite things that you need to run out and buy. Just remember - Opa gives and I just share the info folks. So if you want to go to Opa with me one day keep reading my blog so that when she calls and says "Oh My Her!!! You are soooo funny and I just can't wait to meet you and all your followers/BFFS - I'm going to fly all of you to my show!!!You too will be on my list and off to see Opa!!!

Don't Worry....

Did I really write/say this out loud....where is this coming from and what am I going to say next? Everyone says "Oh, you're funny you should write a book - love your emails!" But, how do you do that and not write about something or someone you shouldn't??? Kind of like the morning after a REALLY fun night when you think to yourself - "OH, Her(name change) what did I do or say last night?" Not that THAT has ever happened to me. But, see my kids could/prolly will read this so you see the problem with writing about what and who you know. So here is the plan. Not only will I change the names - hopefully, by now you've caught on to that! But, I will also change some of the details of all the events. So in fact, this is all just made up stuff/shit and it is just meant to be funny. So, yes, I did not want to be fat on my birthday. That is a rule of mine which usually involves freakin out about my weight and not my age the week before the BIG day. See this keeps me from focusing on the fact that I am getting effin old but hopefully not effin FAT. Focus on fat not age. Whatever, it seems to work for me. I can be fat after my birthday and that freaks me out about being fat but not old. After a few weeks I forget that I am getting old and I just keep shopping in the Jr.'s dept. and that takes care of that. Cause it still fits. Thank god for fat teens. Makes all us old hags think we are young just cause we can still wear clothes from the Jr. Dept. No, seriously, the real reason I like to shop there is cause it COSTS a lot less than the same style clothes in my department. WHAT THE HELL is up with that??? Honestly, next time you are at the mall just check this out. Shop/look at stuff in the part of the store for hip/cool moms. Then walk over to the Jr. section for the hip/cool teens. Same stuff. Top for teens $26.00 - top for women $128.00. SAME THING. And 6months from now no one is going to be wearing it anyway so why pay the difference. I know I am 48 yrs. old and not 17. AND I'm not stupid. Why pay more for the same thing as long as it fits and my whoha is not hangin out. If some body part that should not be showin is showing then that is an entirely different situation. One you are old enough to know better so don't buy or wear it. And if you are embarrassed to shop in the teen stores or departments just tell that cute little 98lb. 17 yr. old behind the counter that you sure hope your daughter will like it and sure hope it fits her. Whatever you do - DO NOT try it on in the store....They will prolly laugh at you. Take it home to try on. If it doesn't fit - take it back and tell them your daughter has an eating disorder and she's having a fat week. So - all that is true...as for the parts that aren't you decide. I'm just letting you and Opa (name change) know now that some of these stories are stretched jes a bit to make it funner to write and hopefully funner to read. Yes, I KNOW how to spell funner....on purpose people!Funny stuff. It worked for Forrest. GUMP keep up. So, this may or may not be actual events, names, places, etc. WE all know what happened to James Fey and his book on Opa...she was TICKED. I personally, loved that book and his sequel which no one read or bought (My Friend Leonard) prolly cause OPA was ticked at HIM - big time. So Opa, this blog is all about being funny. This stuff did not happen. I do eat food everyday. And worry about being fat and old and not funny. And all the sober kids in ........joke people.

Birthday Addict Help Line

I know I know I know! Birthday has come and gone and birthweek is almost over as well but thank goodness it is still BIRTHMONTH!!! Now you are all probably thinking "Oh, that poor girl...see I still think I am a GIRL not a freakinalmostfiftyyearoldhag(it is really hard to leave out the space between that many words cause you just naturally want to type one in there. Except when you want a space then you runthemall together without meaning to...) Focus! That poor GIRL prolly blew her GG Diet and woke up fat on her birthday and was all bloated, cranky and in a good pout. That's why she hasn't blogged all week.That is so sad for her." WRONG - My GG Liquid Diet worked and I woke up looking fab - and then I stood up and again not so bad but I just had to go an ruin it by sitting down. I swear to Her(name change plus it ticks some people off to use Her name in vain - even though I don't mean it that way) my scale is not broken anymore and it is so sorry it will never be broke again. So how come now the scale is back on track, lying down and standing up looks okay WHAT THE HELL happens when I sit???Don't be acting all like you don't know what I'm talking about either. (Unless you are under 45 or weigh 118LBS.) And if you're an embryo just wait...one day you to will discover an unwanted and unexplained personal inner tube under the skin of your body right around your middle. I would not joke about this people. I am personally a little shocked that I am even sharing this. I go to a lot of trouble to remain standing - which can be hard to do cause I am fond of high heeled shoes and it is hard work sometimes on the old feets - and dressing to disguise this certain area. Good thing NO ONE knows who I am cause I just know you'll be staring at my middle tube wondering WTH is THAT!! All it's missing is a cute little duck head and I'm ready for a pool party/hell on earth. Who's idea of fun is that???Some skinny bitch in a bikini that's who...RSVP no to that invite. But all in all I woke up another day older - fine YEAR older - and not that I would be braggin things weren't totally hopeless. So the REAL reason I haven't blogged all week is cause I've been so busy being the Birthday DIVA and celebrating non stop with all my fabulous family and friends that I am exhausted!!! This is fabulous but very hard work and it is not over yet neither!! WHA HOO...more to come next week!!! I think in all my spare time I am going to write THE BIRTHDAY DIVA'S GUIDE TO A FABULOUS BIRTHMONTH. See DIVAS like all caps all the time cause it doesn't have to be their birthday for it to be ALL about them. And one day is just not enough. Too many friends and not enough time so we just work it all in and if some friend keeps begging to throw one more party lunch or dinner the next month for you that is allowed too. Just smile graciously and say "If that would make you happy"...see it's a trick. It is really cause you love parties all about you. Make them think it is to make them happy. So go eat some more birthday cake for all the people that don't have nonstop birthday/week/month parties and tons of fabulous friends. Oh and run get on Facebook and don't be afraid to let it out there that it's your birthday...you will feel like a rockstar on your day. Keep the number a secret if that makes you feel younger but just feel the love in all the birthday greetings....gotta go help Wonderman buy my birthday present...yes, Girls just put the poor men out of their misery and TELL him exactly what you want, what color you want and where he can go to get it. I find just telling him to stay on the golf course a little longer and I'll just go get it works really well too. He's so happy to hear"Go Golf" his eyes and ears glaze over and he forgets to ask the two most hated words EVER.."How Much?" I just love that man!!!! Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

Monday noon

Whew - what a weekend! I've discovered the perfect way to eazze back into the real world on Monday. Stay in bed until at least NOON...didn't quite make that but I'm still in pj's so that helps. Dog is up but kids still down so not too bad so far. I have never understood why some Parents freak and make such a big deal when their teenagers want to sleep late. Really?? I say let 'em sleep all day. That's just a little more me time without someone demanding a - let's make a list shall we?
1. ride somewhere - usually involves you taking and picking up.
2. non stop food service - as in I'm hungry feed me something else - again and again and...
3. money for them to go somewhere/do something - give it to them so they will go away
4. help finding something that they left laying around - that you picked up and put away...
5. hogging the tv that all my shows are taped on - they don't demand that they just beat me to it.
6. You get the idea...how does Letterman come up with 10 every night??? I know I left something out but you get the idea. Let them SLEEP people!!!

Diet report ALERT - It is working and all looks good for the big one tomorrow - not only did I follow the plan with as little food intake as possible I had an excellent chance to dance my fanny off Sat. night thanks to the amazing performance of MR. KEITH URBAN and friends!! Best concert ever...had to eat a little to have the energy to dance my boots off. My apologies to all those folks sitting in the box -really appreciate the tickets and food/booze spread - but I guess I'm really a floor ticket kind of girl...and remember we all look better in tight jeans standing up!!! It was dark too and I just kept dancing and jumping around (like all the cool kids) so no one touched me around the waist....that Wonderful Man I married (let's just call him Wonderman) assured me I did not look STUPID and that he was enjoying the show -(me shakin all God gave me) and Keith and the boys too. Smart man. I didn't marry no dummy. Do not try to stop or control me - wait if he is Wonderman can I be Wonderwoman? No, we have one already and I hate that costume...Wonderwife -not feeling that either sounds like I should be really into housework...never mind I'll think of something else. Focus. Do not try to stop or control me when I am having FUN. Just sit back and enjoy or get up and join in. A great time was had by all. And those really nice people behind me said "No, really we can see just fine" so I do mean all.
And then to top it all off we had even more dancing and fun at church on Sunday...we have a really fun church where everyone is encouraged to dance, sing, clap and praise Jesus the whole time. More on that another time. This week we had the best church band ever - Royal Tailor - that is the name of the band & a dry cleaning place apparently. They were great and we danced and sang along the entire time. Not used to needing a shower after church but I did. And honestly, we were raised in a quiet church but we are loving this fun church and are starting to loosen up a little and really get into it. This church is awesome and the kids love it. Nuff said. Check out the bands site Royaltailoronline.com and go buy their cd - I'd give ya one but remember I'm not Opa(names have been changed so I don't piss her off and blow my chance to sit with her when I'm rich and famous).
Crap kids are up and starving -cause they slept thru breakfast & midmorning meal and almost lunch so I need to go feed them and let the dog out again. Dang and I was on a roll too.....

Girly Girl Diet part 2

Well, I am happy to report so far so good. One day on the GGDiet and I am down a pound. Not bad. A pound a day sounds good to me. However, I think I need to tweak it jes a bit...I did great with breakfast and lunch and before I knew it was 5:00(dinner time). And I really wasn't hungry yet.

May have been due to the heatstroke, from walking 4 freakin miles at 12:00 in the triple digit heat....and no thank you, my car is running just fine - I was walking on purpose to help sweat out all the extra "water" weight I've gained from eating sunflower seeds. Now I still think my scale is broken but that extra 7 lbs. might have come from all the salty sunflower seeds I've been enjoying lately. A lot. So I did not touch a single one yesterday. I also did not have a single roasted/gassed marshmallow sandwich cookie either thank you very much. If you do not know what I am talking about - stop, scroll down to the first blog entry and start at the beginning like a sane normal person would. Then you will be up to speed.

Back to me. One pound down so that is not the problem. The problem happened around dinner time ...which believe it or not, got delayed until after 6:00ish (kinda like real dinner when I cook food around 8:00ish) and I was only a few bites/sips into my first helping/glass when I noticed my hands and arms were feeling kinda shaky. Now normally this happens much later, so naturally I was a little concerned - what with the early heatstroke an all this did not seem like a good sign. Also don't forget GG Liquid Diet means no food and I had not had a single solid anything all day. This is also about the time I realized my head was also starting to pound and not in a good way. Enough that my dinner/wine did not look so good anymore and that is when I knew it was something serious. Now I think it was dinner - My favorite chardonnay by the way, Fat Bastard (Seriously, can't help it, I didn't name it but I just love it!!) - on top of lunch and breakfast all sloshing around in there without anything to hold it all together, like bread!! Or any kind of carbs. So I carefully made a spot in my freezer for my glass of dinner which was getting lukewarm while I was all shaky and not sipping. This happens alot in Texas with the triple digits all day and yes, even in the evenings. Do not be tempted to put ice into your drink in public...very tacky. You know who you are and yes, I still love you. Just poor a little less each time and keep the bottle in the coldest part of the fridge. Drink up and get UP and go pour a little more. See diet and exercise all in one.

Sorry back to dinner last night...well feeling too sick to enjoy dinner/wine was really bumming me out so I decided one little piece of low fat Sargento string cheese prolly wouldn't be a bad idea. And I didn't even have the crackers I love to go with it - yet. I was still all into the diet self control mode. By now dinner was nice and chilled and I felt much better. I some how managed to clean my plate/finish the glass cause we all know there are starving children in the world/sober kids somewhere I hope. Let's all just try to do our part and this whole world will be a better place. Even I know world peace is probably pushing it. Back to me. Time to tweak the Girly Girl's Liquid Diet...

Breakfast - keep it the same coffee and hot green tea - add one grapefruit. Rumor has it grapefruit is good for your metabolism and it is almost a liquid anyway.

Lunch - Same thing - Crystal light lemonade and green tea mixed - no food yet fatty!!!

Dinner - Okay, eat one piece of that string cheese above but be careful with the
cracker part. Like Lay's it's hard to eat just one...the cheese should help with the shakes. Better yet don't do the walking in the heat part and that will probably take care of the headache and shakes. Eat the damn cheese anyway. And don't forget to clean your plate/drink your wine. It's all about the children. Just do it. For them. And the world.

Wish me luck on day two.

Birthday Alert

Okay, I know I started this as a chance to share all my favorite stuff so you to could go buy some - remember Oprah gives it away and I just tell you so you too can go BUY it...I know it sucks. Well, it's harder than it looks people to keep coming up with stuff all the time that I love. Sooner or later you will get really bored reading about my favorite lipgloss - Cover Girl Wet Shine (Crush is the color) not the mint tasting stuff either. Tastes good but colors need some sparklies in it.

Sorry, see probably lost a reader right there....So I'm just gonna yak on and on about whatever, cause all my friends keep telling me my emails are HILARIOUS. See this is what happens when you encourage people...they fall for it and actually think you're telling them the truth. Believe it or not, I've just started this and someone (my very first follower) read it. Thank god they didn't say anything mean like "SHUT UP!" That would suck and probably hurt more than I'd ever admit. Can they even do that if they think I'm stupid and boring? Will worry about that one later. Today I have something bigger and HUGE to worry about. Huge is Paris Tilton's (names have been changed to protect the innocent...never mind Paris Hilton) new word for hot. Wait that means I misused that word because I want it too mean really big. Wait - it does!! ANd I'm not even drinkin folks...this is all natural! It IS only 4:00 afterall.

Back to the problem. I have five days before I turn not 30 anymore(again). My only rule and way of dealing with getting closer to not even 35(again), is to be reasonably happy with my weight on the day I turn another year not even in the 30's and OMG almost not even in my freakin 40's. You see where this is going???? Some how some way for some UNKNOWN reason the scales are broke and keep saying I'm about 5 lbs...okay, 7lbs. over the number that is reasonable. I'm not kidding. Now I can still wear my daughter's jeans but it just involves some suckin in and makin sure NO ONE touches me anywhere near my waist. And sitting down isn't such a good look either. Standing up with one of my super cute (i.e. too young) tops on and some kicking high heels -well, girlfriend is workin it...lowlighting helps too. Whatev...Again people the key word today is "reasonable". Still with the big one coming up in 5 days I am a little desperate...do not want to be all cranky and a party pooper at my own party.

Sooo. ...I am now officially on my liquid diet for the next few days...now we all love Oprah and not just cause she gives stuff away - but because she too has had this very same problem a time or two(wink wink - we love her). Now her liquid diet worked we will give her that cause we all saw her skinny little self pulling the wagon of yucky old stuff to celebrate. See the problem with liquid diets is you just can't keep that up forever. But wait!!! I have one you can and so far it is working....I now it is only a little past 4:00 but this is one we can do!!!

The Girly Girls Liquid Diet (think Skinny Girl Margarita)

For breakfast - one pot each of coffee and hot green tea
For lunch - more green tea mixed with Crystal Light Lemonade - really helps the cold green tea taste better, trust me..
For dinner - any white or red wine will do...whatever is your favorite. We could be here all day if I start listing favorite wines...just remember and this is the most important part of the diet. If you have made it this far without eating any food...keep drinkin until you forget you are hungry.

I know brillant right?? Don't worry about exercise. You will get that running back and forth to bathroom. Wear ankle weights if you must. Why hasn't anyone written this diet book yet...crap...wait I call copyrights!!! I just wrote it so don't go ripping me off and copying my idea!!! Just go buy your lemonade and wine and watch the pounds disappear...five days and counting and it is almost "dinner"time...will keep you posted.

fireworks, tennis, marshmellows

Another 4th has come and gone...nothing beats fireworks from your own backyard - or a close neighbor's - lots of friends, cold beer, good wine & food. Our new favorite summer treat - an old faithful made a new way....s'mores! The night we ran out of wood was a good thing cause my brilliant 14yr. old decided to try "roasting" them inside on the gas stove. Duh, hello?? Quick, easy and safe as long as you remember to turn it off. And no bugs!!! We are finally using the heck out of those fondue forks...perfect for gassing a marshmellow!! And even better than graham crackers - try the Nabisco Famous Chocolate Wafer cookies - OMG!!!Slap a charred marshmellow between two and just wait. Delicious. Be right back...with sticky fingers.

Okay, I'm also suffering from Wimbleton Withdrawals...nonstop tennis for two weeks - What a way to end it!!! Love my Roger and ANDY either way a win for all tennis fans. Time to get off my fanny and go put all I've learned watching the pros to use playing my frenemies...

And finally...one of my very favorite things - shopping online. All the stuff you need but sometimes just don't want to hand over at the check out counter to the cute young boy like the best thongs & bras ever - Target!!! - Or any embarrassing personal products -Beauty.com - and I'm not talking about anything "NASTY"...although I think you can get those there too. Not that I have. But could.

What is the good stuff???

My favorite things. Who am I? Well, the good news is I'm not Oprah. Not that I don't LOVE OPRAH...she is awesome and she gives away a lot of great shit. Bad news is YOU can't afford it. AND you are not on OPRAH. So you do not pass go and collect lots of great stuff. NO SHIT. Now for some good news. Okay, slightly better news....my favorite things you can afford. Because for them to be my favorite things - I HAVE them and no one GAVE them to me (yet anyway... that will come a little later). And I too like OPRAH like to share - I just can't give them to you. But, I can tell you about them and if you like - you too can go buy them somewhere. And hopefully that will lead to more people buying them and then some body that makes them will get to keep their job and so on.... Important news - not good or bad - there is no random order in what I like or why I decide to share my favorite things...so some days you may likey and some days you may not. Too bad. I will try to make you happy but if not TOO bad. Here is what I like - things I can afford without making my husband too crazy (what he doesn't know won't hurt him, dang he just came home and read that. May have to do some damage control - don't ask) That was close but I am back and ready to go....good stuff??? Where to start? Who am I??? Female - almost 48 years younger...born blonde (key word born)...former teacher now stay home mom/driver/home CEO/BOSS. Won't get me very far on a future job resume but that is not my problem today. Here are a few things I love today:

Latisse - yes!! It does work...my eyelashes and eyebrows are longer, thicker and even darker. Not sure which one makes me happier but yes! It works. Now, how am I using it? With my own eyeliner brush and I only squeeze ONE drop into the top of the itty bitty bottle that COSTS $100.00. My bottle has lasted over 4 months...again - my brush and ONE drop will do both eyes and eyebrows. I KNOW!! How cool is that. Very cost effective my way. Side effects for me - ZERO. And yes, people have noticed and asked me if I finally learned to apply false eyelashes. Answer is no.

Food stuff - run to Sam's and buy the Tuscany Brushetta ...sold in a big jar with all the pasta and cheese. Amazing stuff - eat it with a spoon (that good) or over pasta, on sliced bread or my very favorite way on top of pizza on the grill. How do I do Pizza on the grill??? You will never call Papa Johns again...sorry Papa. But if I do that is who I call. If I have my favorite pizza in the freezer here is what I do. Any thin crust pizza will work. I prefer either California Pizza or Primo's (Cost Co has this at a great price)...turn your gas grill on high. Get it as hot as it will go. Rub olive oil on the bottom of your frozen pizza and season will a little extra garlic powder. ( I do). Then put it on the grill close the grill and turn it OFF, and leave it closed for 10 minutes. Just set the timer and don't mess around with it. And don't forget to turn the grill off. Pizza will be delicious. If you are using a white or margarita pizza top with the Tuscany Brushetta sauce. YUM. Any bottle of wine of your choice will work.

Books - I told you this would be random stuff. I like books that make me laugh, crying is okay as long as I'm not too depressed. I have lots of self confidence so self help books bore the crap out of me...as do most that try to enlighten me. Scary is okay as long as I can sleep and not freak myself out...but mostly I just want to enjoy and be happy. So my favorite books are:

City of Thieves - David Benioff - Big thanks to Mr. Benioff for sharing this amazing story and Borders for telling me I just couldn't leave their store that day without buying it.

All Janet Evanovich - Stephanie Plum novels and I am on number 15 right now...hurry up with the next one!!! And Whatever happened to the Movie????

Loving all things Vampire...started with the Twilight series...and Moonlight the tv show that some Idiot cancelled. Read all Charlaine Harris Sooky Stackhouse series which led to True Blood on showtime. Love them. For those that like it even darker and with way more sex try Laurell K Hamilton's series with Anita Blake...hot hot hot...nuff said.

Pat Conroy's Prince of Tides is still my all time favorite book ever...hated the movie. Can't wait for his newest book to come out this fall.

Harlan Coben's Myron Boloitar series is great and so are all his stand alone books. But dig up his original series.

TV - just go buy any system that allows you to record what you want to watch when you want to watch. We will discuss programs later....No live tv....slow and boring.

Time to log off - getting sleepy and sloppy....hope you come back!