Monday, April 26, 2010

What Do I Know For Sure?

Love this question and I am borrowing it from Oprah...which makes sense if ya read the beginning of my blog. My original goal was to get lots of readers. Was hoping that IF Oprah ever called and said,"Girl, you are funny!!" I would say, "Why thank you!" And then she would fly me and any of my followers to her show. Trick was you had to sign up as a follower to go to Oprah. All I really wanted was to know who was reading....truth is - WE prolly ain't going to Oprah...she is about to hang it all up anyway. And ya'll are reading but not all are signed up. That's ok too. I hear ya. Now I still want to go to Oprah and Wonderman is working his connection...but it will prolly be just us and a hotel room in the Windy City and nothing wrong with THAT!! HA!! As for what I KNOW for we go.

1. There is only one perfect food - bacon. SHUT UP...I didn't say it was good for you. It is just perfect. Extra crispy to burned for me. Just did a lb. in the oven for book club tomorrow night. Making quickies/quiches with bacon and one with smoked ham and asparagus...Quick story - Book is fantastic...City of Thieves by David Benioff. Short version two guys have a reprieve from Nazis' firing squad in Russia if they can find a dozen eggs for Big WIG's daughter's wedding there are no freaking chickens alive within hundreds of miles much less a dozen eggs. Amazing story!!!Wouldn't mind if you stopped reading me right now and ran out and bought this WILL NOT BE SORRY!! Anyway, lots of food with eggs for book club. That's why my house smells like bacon and I'm trying really, really hard NOT to eat it all right now. Relax, I am not stupid and I have a backup lb. just in case I do. Just like to do somethings ahead of time. So I KNOW FOR SURE - BACON IS MY PERFECT FOOD.

2. Life happens and you just have to roll with it. Normally, I am freakin out the night before ANY party of any kind at my house. I am great once the party starts - you just do NOT want to be here 24 hours prior. Ask my family. Now, after adding two adorable puppies to my posse - let me just say that I have a whole nuther attitude to par-tay giving. SHIT HAPPENS. A lot. That is just how puppies roll. They don't really care bout nuthing else. If they need to do it. They WILL DO IT. So hopefully, tomorrow night all will go smoothly. And if it doesn't - well that is what Dominoes is for and by the way - if you have not ordered the new improved Dominoes Pizza - shut up!! Perfect food and delivery #2!!! Key word there is DELIVERY!!!Fo Show!! You really have to try it....and order online cause it is so easy and the doorbell is ringing before you even log off!!

3. Puppies are really cute for a very good reason...none of them would ever survive if they weren't...or let me rephrase that... none of them would have homes if they weren't so freakin cute...They are a lot of work and none of it smells good. Except for little puppy breath and that is amazing. So are little puppy kisses and that little look they have when they KNOW FO SHOW they have done something that little look. Really hate whatever it is that they have done and yes, it usually smells really bad. I like good smelling things. I really love for my house to smell good. Which is why I love my Orleans Candles. Creme Brulee. That's it - all I ever burn. Cause I Know For Sure this smells good to me. And I love my puppies. And don't forget the smell of little puppy feet. They smell good too - unless the little feets have stepped in the something they are giving you that cute little puppy look for.

4. And I know for sure...I can't sing. That really sucks for me. And you - if you are ever in my car and the radio is on. Cause I WILL be singing. I just won't sound very good. That is why I do not need an ipod. I'd be loving all my songs and singing along. WHILE I had on the little ear thingies and yes, YOU would be going, "OMG, somebody pull her plug and shut her up!" So, I know I can't sing and I know all that dancing they do on that tv show is a lot harder than it looks. And, yes the refrigerator/Kate needed to go home to her children. Cause, I can't sing and SHE can't DANCE. At all. PERIOD. NUFF SAID. WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP AND THAT GIRL CAN'T DANCE. These very important things I know for sure. Oh, yea and one thing more. I am blessed.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

How to Cure Puppy Fever

This is for all my friends that I have infected with Puppy Flu/Fever...that would be just about everyone that has seen and or held my TWO (yes, just shoot me now) new little bitty precious nonstop pee and poo machines. Or as my hubby likes to call them - Gerbil One and Gerbil Two. I'm off to the vet (again) today for round three of their shots and I'm really hoping they've gained an enormous amount of weight in two weeks and that the vet will recommend a severe diet. As in - if nothing goes in then maybe NOTHING WILL COME OUT!!! Sounds like a really good plan to me...I told you in another post about my new idea for an exercise video "Puppy Poo Squats" for anyone with puppies...everytime they poo/pee you SQUAT with good form while you pick it up and spray with cleaner. That should count for two squats. I think I am doing this at least 2500 times a day. Then again, I'm the dumbass that let my TEENAGE DAUGHTER TALK ME INTO BUYING TWO PUPPIES!!! If you have any brains at all - stop at one adorable little bitty pee/poo machine. That should be good for at least 1250 squats a day.

Did I also mention that my daughter is off at college right now and that this second poo machine is supposed to go off with her in the fall??? AFTER I do all the work/squats trying to potty train it??? Again - WTH was I thinking??? I'm telling you Puppy Flu is powerful and you need to innoculate yourself immediately. Just invision your house with pee and poo EVERYWHERE and that should do the trick. As for me, I am hanging in there. I still enjoy the cute little moments with the pups. God makes them really cute for a reason and yes, it is a trick. They are really cute when they are playing together in their playpen - their days of freely roaming the house are over. And they are even cuter when they are all cuddled up sleeping. They are really cute when they actually GO on the "potty pad". They are not so cute when they don't. And yes, they are silly cute when we dress them up in silly dog clothes. They are hilarious when we put their doggy diapers on them too. This really does help with the pee problem, not so much with the poo. TMI ya think?

Right after "WTH where you thinking?" the question I am asked the most is, "How are you going to let her take one of the pups to school in the fall?" Some days the answer is "ARE you kidding me - she can take BOTH of them to school in the fall!!" Even scarier was when she came home this weekend and actually got to spend more than 24 hours with them. (She had to leave the day after they first came home) Within 45 minutes and 325 squats her eyes were tearing up and their cuteness was wearing off. She actually had the nerve to say, "WOW, they are a lot of work!! And hyper too. I think I'll just take poor Max (one of our older dogs - yes, we have 4 total) up to my room to give him a break from the pups." Screw Max!! What about POOR MOMMY??? What about me??? I only wanted ONE puppy - WHY do I have TWO??? And OMG - am I gonna still have 4 in the fall??? Shoot me now!!

Even better, it seems next fall she and her roomates are planning to have their own pet store/apartment....Baby girl will have Gerbil Two and one roomate is planning to bring her dog from home (already housebroken) and her other roomate is planning on going to night school, working 9-5 and WAIT for her own NEW PUPPY!!! Somehow I'm thinking this is not a really good idea. Puppies are cute - but, OMG they are WORK people!!! Just don't tell Baby girl cause I really need her to take Gerbil Two to thighs are killing me!! So again, if you feel Puppy Flu/Fever coming on think of your floors and thighs. And for God's sake - just get one!!!