Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Soda in the City

I love New York...everything about it. The energy, the people - who have always been beyond friendly to me and mine - the restaurants, the plays, the sex....sorry - I really did LOVE that show. Movies, not so much. Not as much as the show. Not sure if you are all up on current events but thanks to the Dallas Morning News, WSJ, US, People, Facebook and the Wendy Show - girlfriend knows. All. This past week Mayor Bloomberg has been very busy trying to convince the good people of NY that they are all obese and that they are, because they are all guzzling Ginormous, over sized, calorie laden sodas. So instead of just saying,"Hey, yous guys - YEA, you overweight fat slobs! STOP KILLING YOURSELVES AND YOUR GINORMOUS OVER SIZED KIDS with liquid crap! Drink some WADDER!" Oh, no - he wants the Government to step in and PASS A LAW that makes it illegal to DRINK LARGE SODAS!!! I swear - I've had a glass or four - but I am not MAKING THIS SHIT UP!! Read it in the paper folks. Can you even begin to imagine what would happen in the Great State of Texas if our elected officials tried to pass a law against BIG Sodas??? Austin would succeed from the union. No Doubt.

Now, I know some of you that know me well, are shocked and surprised that I am getting all political. I was raised Southern Methodist/Presbyterian. We don't shout, clap or God forbid DANCE in church. We do drink, cuss and dance to African American music with wild abandon outside of church. We never ever discuss Politics. There is a reason why there are curtains around our polling booths. It should be nobody's business who we vote for. I even removed ALL of our land line phones from  their plugs. Just because I could not stand the CONSTANT ringing of all the candidates that wanted to poll me and discuss who I was thinking about voting for in any upcoming election. Here was my standard answer - "For the ASSHOLE not interrupting my dinner ASSHOLE!". And still, the phone kept ringing. These are not always the sharpest tools in the shed. Just tools.

Anyhoooo....I'm pretty sure taking away the right to drink Big SODAS would be right up there with taking away Big Guns. Which is not going to fly in Texas and I really hope those obese New Yorkers are going to agree. Cause girlfriend is no political dumb blonde. If someone wants to outlaw oversized Sodas...DO YOU NOT SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING PEOPLE??? WAKE UP!!! STAND UP AND DEFEND THE FATTIES!! They should be able to drink all the oversized sodas they want. Then go on a diet if lugging around excess amounts of weight bothers them. Just think about it....today it's oversized sodas tomorrow it is oversized BOTTLES OF WINE!!! HELLO!!! This is how is how it starts people.

We need to look out for each other and stick together - Big Sodas and Wine Bottles unite. And here is my solution Mayor Bloomberg. You need to chill, take a sip and sit down and watch Dr. OZ. I know you are very busy - trying to pass laws, calling people and interrupting their dinners to talk them into voting for you, but all you need to do is put your feet up, grab a bag of BAKED ALL NATURAL WHITE CHEESE PUFFS (should be their own food group called yum) and a soda/wine of your choice and listen to the WIZARD...He knows all the answers to weight loss. Here are a few he recommends, and I and more than a few friends, know that they work!! REALLY WORK....EVEN IF YOU EAT AND DRINK ALL THE BIG ASS SODAS/WINE BOTTLES YOU WANT. How cool is that?? 1. Raspberry Ketones - don't trust me Google it. 2. Green Coffee Bean Extract - just Google it. 3. 7-Keto DHEA - Google 4. Biotin - for hair and nails - just run to Sam's and buy the Natrol Biotin extra strength - WORKS!! No I did not misspell(did not know that word had two ss and ll's...I am not smarter than a Fifth Grader - DAMN IT!) Natrol. That is a brand name. What the F were they thinking? Product works and is cheap, got to love that. 5. And a whole bunch more - just go to The Wizard....or Dr. Oz's website and all the stuff he talks about I'm taking about half and yes, it is working.

 Here is my next great idea. If all the over the counter skin care creams are working for my face - What can I be slathering on the rest of my body? Cause shit is happening from the chin down and it needs to stop.....YESTERDAY. Unfortunately, when I finally got the message in my mid Thirties that I was going to regret all the sun damage I'd been doing to my face - someone forgot to remind me that I'd be really sad when my neck, chest, arms and legs began to age. It is awfully hard to rock a freakin turtleneck, long sleeves and long pants in frickin 110 degree heat. I've been hinting that maybe we SHOULD bring pantyhose back - if we could think of a name that doesn't have the word panty in it. How bout - Miracle Legs - as in, your saggy, flabby, lumpy legs will look better if you wear our Miracle Legs??? Don't laugh - that Spanx bitch has made a boatload of money and who ever would have thought the whole world - Men included, MANX for God's sake - would be squeezing and contorting their rolls of fat into very expensive, unattractive, uncomfortable BEIGE PANTYHOSE!!! FOR YOUR FREAKIN BODY!! See - SHE JUST CHANGED THE NAME FROM PANTY HOSE TO SPANX!!! Guess she is smarter than a freakin Fifth Grader. Bet she loves Big Sodas and Big Wine Bottles cause the more FATTIES the more PANTYHOSE/SPANX...DANG it...I new it was the word panty that was the problem...not Big Sodas or Big Wine Bottles!

1 comment:

  1. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a really well
    written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful
    information. Thanks for the post. I'll certainly comeback.

    my web-site: pacsun promo code 2013