Keeping in spirit with why I started this blog could have been a challenge today. I try to keep it all positive and about things I LOVE...when I want to go dark about something I usually do it on my other blog - girlygirl.pnn.com. But I decided to challenge myself today and find a way to make this season's Bachelorette show a positive experience. The challenge is I am going to attempt this on caffeine instead of my beverage/funny juice of choice- it is 9:00 am and even I frown on wine for breakfast. Maybe a bellini or bloodymary...we'll see how this goes on coffee.
I could easily rant all day about all that is wrong with this season, this girl, these guys and the producers for allowing this assault on all that is good in this world. So here is my version of - ARE YOU %&^*(*% KIDDING ME!!! Rules are simple. Every time one of the things below happens next week as you are watching (and you know we will be!! Even Kelly Ripa won't be able to NOT WATCH AGAIN...) follow the rules.
1. Every time she touches her bangs - slap yourself in the head. This will keep you awake. It will also help you break the annoying habit of picking up her annoying habit of constantly touching her bangs. People that do this should not have bangs. Or hair. Bald people can't annoy us by touching their bangs. If there is a bald person watching with you kiss them on the forehead and score 3 extra points. 1 point for every head slap. Yes, you will need paper and pen to keep track of all your points.
2. Every time she climbs someone and bumps uglies while that person is standing - you must thank your mother out loud for raising you right and take a small sip of your beverage of choice (BOC). This is going to happen a lot so small sips are important. We must game responsibly. If you find yourself monkey climbing every man that says hello to you - subtract 5pts. For any men watching and playing with us - I know a few - if this has ever happened to you and you had naughty feelings down below subtract 5 pts. Hugging someone with 4 feet on the ground is fine. If you want to have sex standing up with your significant other go for it. If you are saying hello to someone stop humping them like a dog in heat.
3. Every time she thinks she is right cause she is following her instincts, her heart or her new outlook on life - Shout "You are an IDIOT" and take a small sip. If you think she is WRONG add 3 pts. Just add 100 pts. to your score and refill your glass. She is wrong, wrong, wrong.
4. Every time her voice grates on your nerves - blow a loud horn. Kazoos are fine too. If you have a bag of party favor blow thingies even better just pass those out. If everyone is blowing something (careful boys - naughty thoughts down below WILL cost you 5pts.)then hopefully we won't be able to hear her screechy voice. If you don't have any of these things handy then just mute the tv every time she says anything. You won't really be missing much. Keep sipping - blowing things makes you very thirsty.
5. Every time she "dances" apologize to dancers everywhere for the insult. Did I miss the show last season where they talked about her being a "dancer"? Thought she was a "dentist"...this season she is a "dental student" and a "dancer". Note to producers - not everyone that dances is sexy. Hitting poses to music is not dancing. Every time she poses/dances pause the show and bust out your favorite dance moves. Don't worry if you get into it and forget about the rest of the show. You are way more entertaining and you will not really be missing anything. Keep sipping sexy!!
6. Pick your favorite guy on the show - then google him. Find a way - anyway to tell him to RUN!!! There are so many better ways to be famous. To find TRUE LOVE. To spend 6 weeks. Then again they are all hanging out in California, living in a cool house, doing fun exciting things, never mind - let him stay. If he makes it to final rose ceremony give yourself 5pts. He if ends up the next Bachelor you get bonus 10 pts. If he gets sent home (lucky dog) score 2pts. If she monkey humps your guy shout "Get off my man you MONKEY GIRL!" You'll feel a little silly but take a sip and you'll get into it.
7. Speaking of the guys - every time one of them does something gross - yell the name of the game and take a sip. Whenever one of them pretends to be happy about getting a rose - yell "bullshit" and take a sip. Better yet, pause the show and find a deck of cards and play Bullshit. Again, don't worry if you forget the show. Cards can be fun. This is a great game. Kate Hudson played it in that cute movie with Matthew McHunky (can't spell his last name) even better just go watch that movie and forget this show!!
End of show/end of game - tally your pts. If You are doing something/anything more fun and did not finish this show YOU WIN!! If you are still watching to the very end add 5pts. for making it thru the whole thing. If someone is sitting on the toilet reading the paper - I swear I could not make this stuff up - add 20 pts. That does not count if that is happening in your house. Then again that counts for doing something more fun. If you are still reading this blog add 10 pts.
And in closing...in honor of all the poor roses that have been sacrificed for this stupid show...wear a red string around your wrist - no that weird religion does that already. Around your ankle - no Mama thinks those are trashy. I know - around your head!! Red headbands!!! In honor of all the roses...SAVE the ROSES!! Show your disgust for this show and support of our new cause - Save the Roses. Wear your red headbands proudly. And remember stop touching your bangs and hug with your feet on the ground!!