I Don't Get It...

Okay, I know this sounds too easy...but seriously. I just blogged about what I know for sure so here are a few things well...I'm sorry - I just don't GET.

1. Jay Z. I do get he is successful. I do get he is married to Beyonce and we LOVE her. Therefore, we must love him. And I could - if he just wouldn't pick up a microphone and "sing/rap" live on SNL. Sorry, but I thought it was a skit about how bad rappers can be. Guess it wasn't. A SKIT - but it was SH*&. Sorry. Shoot me. Okay, didn't mean that literally MR. Z. Stick to "bidness deals" and leave the microphone to Miss B. All I'm saying. And, for the record I happen to love rap. Most of it anyway. As much as I can listen to without Gman in the car cause he just freaks if he hears his MOM singing along. And yes, I know the words and what most of them mean. Sorry but I like the beat and it is fun to dance to. As long as Mr. Z. isn't doing it live on SNL.

2. Larry King. Where do I even start? How about there is not enough money EVER that he or anyone could give me to even think about lying in a bed with no clothes on with THAT man. Much less having sex with him...seriously. And her sister too??? Whatev. I think both of them are mental. And he is just a really OLD man with a lot of money. Just not enough for me. EVER. Sad, but I could have at least respected them a little if the whole he slept with my sister thing had not happened. I mean the hot, cute, coach??? Come on!! Like that was a surprise?? Hello??? Larry King???? What are these people thinking???

3. Getting old...speaking of Mr. King - what are the odds that MOST men lose their hair at a certain age? And what are the odds that certain men never do??? LIKE men that sing rock and roll for a living? I'm sorry - I LOVE Bon Jovi and I've seen them live at least 2 or 3 times and I'd see them again in a heart beat. But, as I was watching them tonight on American Idol I couldn't help but stare in amazement at their hair. How lucky are they to still be performing and rockin and living the life and still have ALL that FREAKIN hair? I know it is "shorter" but, come on!!! Really??? I'm pretty sure the hairy guys on our soaps and tv shows are rockin some good fake hair and I just bet our rockers are too...by the way, I thought Daughtry was smokin hot with his bald head.

4. Before I watched this really funny video my sister in law sent me today I didn't really understand/get how men and women think differently. I don't mean think about issues I mean actually THINK differently - as in their brain works in different ways. And I'm even talking about the brain in the men's head that sits on their shoulders. We ALL get how the other one thinks differently (see Mr. King and the sister in #2.) Check out Mark Gunger on youtube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMZ73mT5zM if that doesn't work try Mark Gunger Men's Brain Women's Brain Extended ...and if you've never tried Youtube...I DON'T GET THAT EITHER!!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM AND GET A LIFE ON FACEBOOK TOO WHILE YOU ARE AT IT!! Back to this hilarious video - men think in little boxes and their favorite box in their head is the nothing box. You see where this is going? Go check out the video!!

5. Last but not least - I don't get Twitter. I mean I know what it is in theory. Everybody blabs whatever is on their brain 24/7. For everyone to read. Like we care. Here's the part I don't get. Obviously, EVERYONE but me does care...and reads it all and twitters. I don't even really understand or know how or where you twit. Do you do it/twit on your computer or on your phone? And if phone do you need an app for it or a special phone? Sad. I know. But hey, I at least do FB and I BLOG so there.

6. I'm sure there is a lot more I don't get. I just don't remember it all right now. That is a wonderful thing about getting older and like most of us losing our hair and our memory. You can't miss what you don't remember...you just get older/just don't get it.

May Day May Day ALERT!!!

MAY DAY!!! Crap it is already May 2nd!!!! Only 15 days until I have to come up with something WONDERFUL for WONDERMAN'S birthday....WHY is it so hard to buy presents for guys??? Girls are so easy. JEWELRY, perfume, handbags, red soled shoes, you name it - we like it. But guys like cars. Cars cost lots of money and frankly, I just hate dealing with car salesmen. Even if I had gobs of money I'd hate going to buy a car. Guess I could do it online. But, since I don't have gobs of money I won't be buying a car so why am I still talking about it??? Cause, I am stalling and have no freakin clue (as usual) what I'm giving Wonderman for his birthday. He really liked the Victoria's Secret stuff I got him last year - heh heh...but it would be really lame and selfish on my part to do that again. Prolly, did it at Christmas too. Can't help it - shoot me for liking pretty underwear stuff. He wasn't complaining - trust me. And just to be clear here - HE was not the one wearing it either!!! So anyway, got to come up with something to wrap up for him.

His birthday also means that for the next two months we are the same age. He cannot call me his OLD WOMAN and I can't call him my boytoy....which also means that MY birthday is almost here and then I really will be an OLD WOMAN with her BOYTOY!!! Which reminds me it is time to start my Girly Girl Liquid diet....you will just have to check out one of my very first blogs on this site if you too want to lose a few pounds a really fun way. I always say it is okay to get a little bit older as long as I'm not getting a little bit fatter. I can do old but FAT makes me crazy....I pretend to embrace this whole "Love my junk in my trunk" mentality but the reality is FAT freaks me out. Now I'm not a big fan of tooo skinny either but wouldn't hurt most of us to lose about 5lbs. And right now - I'd be okay losing about 9.5lbs. - sounds better than 10. This is very hard to do with birthday season being upon us too....Wonderman is all about his birthday cake. He loves to request some really fancy made from scratch cake. His favorite is good ole fashion pound cake. Sounds simple but do not get me started on it. First of all, if it is made in a bundt pan THAT IS NOT FREAKIN POUND CAKE!!! Nothing wrong with Bundt cake - love it better than pound cake myself but it is his cake we are planning not mine. He likes the real southern kind like my neighbor B. Rush makes. HERS is soooo good. I would be soooo lucky if she had a burning desire to just whip up one of hers and if she would also drop it off sometime on or very near the 17th....Wow!! That would be awesome. Now, I asked and she gave me her recipe one year so I could make sure he got his favorite cake. But, frankly it is a pain to make it and mine truly did not taste as good as hers did. And if I'm going to all that trouble to make a cake from scratch it better have some CHOCOLATE in it by God!! HONESTLY - what is he thinking??? Boring. I'm thinking an ice cream cake sounds good. Ben & Jerry make yummy ones too. Crap now I'm thinking about cake and ice cream and I NEED to lose a few lbs. before July rolls around. Hard to lose lbs when SOMEONE wants a lb. cake!!! So now I've got two things to worry about for the next 15 days....on top of trying to lose some junk that is migrating from my trunk to my waist...or I could just go read another book!! Just finished Harlan Coben's newest - Caught - really liked it. Got more to read than time to read them in right now too! Also, don't miss the latest in the series that started True Blood - Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse books. If you haven't read them DO!!! I really love using Amazon Books to get the order right in series. Makes me CRAZY to read things out of order. And fyi...just noticed that if you are a Barnes & Noble member they have FREE shipping now on all books. Kind hard to beat that!!I really like the free app for my phone too that let's me buy and READ books right on my phone. So I'm off to read, shop and bake....

What Do I Know For Sure?

Love this question and I am borrowing it from Oprah...which makes sense if ya read the beginning of my blog. My original goal was to get lots of readers. Was hoping that IF Oprah ever called and said,"Girl, you are funny!!" I would say, "Why thank you!" And then she would fly me and any of my followers to her show. Trick was you had to sign up as a follower to go to Oprah. All I really wanted was to know who was reading....truth is - WE prolly ain't going to Oprah...she is about to hang it all up anyway. And ya'll are reading but not all are signed up. That's ok too. I hear ya. Now I still want to go to Oprah and Wonderman is working his connection...but it will prolly be just us and a hotel room in the Windy City and nothing wrong with THAT!! HA!! As for what I KNOW for sure....here we go.

1. There is only one perfect food - bacon. SHUT UP...I didn't say it was good for you. It is just perfect. Extra crispy to burned for me. Just did a lb. in the oven for book club tomorrow night. Making quickies/quiches with bacon and one with smoked ham and asparagus...Quick story - Book is fantastic...City of Thieves by David Benioff. Short version two guys have a reprieve from Nazis' firing squad in Russia if they can find a dozen eggs for Big WIG's daughter's wedding cake...now there are no freaking chickens alive within hundreds of miles much less a dozen eggs. Amazing story!!!Wouldn't mind if you stopped reading me right now and ran out and bought this book...you WILL NOT BE SORRY!! Anyway, lots of food with eggs for book club. That's why my house smells like bacon and I'm trying really, really hard NOT to eat it all right now. Relax, I am not stupid and I have a backup lb. just in case I do. Just like to do somethings ahead of time. So I KNOW FOR SURE - BACON IS MY PERFECT FOOD.

2. Life happens and you just have to roll with it. Normally, I am freakin out the night before ANY party of any kind at my house. I am great once the party starts - you just do NOT want to be here 24 hours prior. Ask my family. Now, after adding two adorable puppies to my posse - let me just say that I have a whole nuther attitude to par-tay giving. SHIT HAPPENS. A lot. That is just how puppies roll. They don't really care bout nuthing else. If they need to do it. They WILL DO IT. So hopefully, tomorrow night all will go smoothly. And if it doesn't - well that is what Dominoes is for and by the way - if you have not ordered the new improved Dominoes Pizza - shut up!! Perfect food and delivery #2!!! Key word there is DELIVERY!!!Fo Show!! You really have to try it....and order online cause it is so easy and the doorbell is ringing before you even log off!!

3. Puppies are really cute for a very good reason...none of them would ever survive if they weren't...or let me rephrase that... none of them would have homes if they weren't so freakin cute...They are a lot of work and none of it smells good. Except for little puppy breath and that is amazing. So are little puppy kisses and that little look they have when they KNOW FO SHOW they have done something wrong...love that little look. Really hate whatever it is that they have done and yes, it usually smells really bad. I like good smelling things. I really love for my house to smell good. Which is why I love my Orleans Candles. Creme Brulee. That's it - all I ever burn. Cause I Know For Sure this smells good to me. And I love my puppies. And don't forget the smell of little puppy feet. They smell good too - unless the little feets have stepped in the something they are giving you that cute little puppy look for.

4. And I know for sure...I can't sing. That really sucks for me. And you - if you are ever in my car and the radio is on. Cause I WILL be singing. I just won't sound very good. That is why I do not need an ipod. I'd be loving all my songs and singing along. WHILE I had on the little ear thingies and yes, YOU would be going, "OMG, somebody pull her plug and shut her up!" So, I know I can't sing and I know all that dancing they do on that tv show is a lot harder than it looks. And, yes the refrigerator/Kate needed to go home to her children. Cause, I can't sing and SHE can't DANCE. At all. PERIOD. NUFF SAID. WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP AND THAT GIRL CAN'T DANCE. These very important things I know for sure. Oh, yea and one thing more. I am blessed.

How to Cure Puppy Fever

This is for all my friends that I have infected with Puppy Flu/Fever...that would be just about everyone that has seen and or held my TWO (yes, just shoot me now) new little bitty precious nonstop pee and poo machines. Or as my hubby likes to call them - Gerbil One and Gerbil Two. I'm off to the vet (again) today for round three of their shots and I'm really hoping they've gained an enormous amount of weight in two weeks and that the vet will recommend a severe diet. As in - if nothing goes in then maybe NOTHING WILL COME OUT!!! Sounds like a really good plan to me...I told you in another post about my new idea for an exercise video "Puppy Poo Squats" for anyone with puppies...everytime they poo/pee you SQUAT with good form while you pick it up and spray with cleaner. That should count for two squats. I think I am doing this at least 2500 times a day. Then again, I'm the dumbass that let my TEENAGE DAUGHTER TALK ME INTO BUYING TWO PUPPIES!!! If you have any brains at all - stop at one adorable little bitty pee/poo machine. That should be good for at least 1250 squats a day.

Did I also mention that my daughter is off at college right now and that this second poo machine is supposed to go off with her in the fall??? AFTER I do all the work/squats trying to potty train it??? Again - WTH was I thinking??? I'm telling you Puppy Flu is powerful and you need to innoculate yourself immediately. Just invision your house with pee and poo EVERYWHERE and that should do the trick. As for me, I am hanging in there. I still enjoy the cute little moments with the pups. God makes them really cute for a reason and yes, it is a trick. They are really cute when they are playing together in their playpen - their days of freely roaming the house are over. And they are even cuter when they are all cuddled up sleeping. They are really cute when they actually GO on the "potty pad". They are not so cute when they don't. And yes, they are silly cute when we dress them up in silly dog clothes. They are hilarious when we put their doggy diapers on them too. This really does help with the pee problem, not so much with the poo. TMI ya think?

Right after "WTH where you thinking?" the question I am asked the most is, "How are you going to let her take one of the pups to school in the fall?" Some days the answer is "ARE you kidding me - she can take BOTH of them to school in the fall!!" Even scarier was when she came home this weekend and actually got to spend more than 24 hours with them. (She had to leave the day after they first came home) Within 45 minutes and 325 squats her eyes were tearing up and their cuteness was wearing off. She actually had the nerve to say, "WOW, they are a lot of work!! And hyper too. I think I'll just take poor Max (one of our older dogs - yes, we have 4 total) up to my room to give him a break from the pups." Screw Max!! What about POOR MOMMY??? What about me??? I only wanted ONE puppy - WHY do I have TWO??? And OMG - am I gonna still have 4 in the fall??? Shoot me now!!

Even better, it seems next fall she and her roomates are planning to have their own pet store/apartment....Baby girl will have Gerbil Two and one roomate is planning to bring her dog from home (already housebroken) and her other roomate is planning on going to night school, working 9-5 and WAIT for it....buy her own NEW PUPPY!!! Somehow I'm thinking this is not a really good idea. Puppies are cute - but, OMG they are WORK people!!! Just don't tell Baby girl cause I really need her to take Gerbil Two to school...my thighs are killing me!! So again, if you feel Puppy Flu/Fever coming on think of your floors and thighs. And for God's sake - just get one!!!

TGIF

'Kay....now I know I brought this all on myself. Hate to whine when it is really my fault. Thank F&*^ it is Friday. Yes, it has kinda been that kinda day. Not all week. Just day. No real reason (cept maybe 4 dogs and pms week all in one...??? ya think) On paper this day should have been fabulous. Sunny and breezy but beautiful compared to the total tennis f&*) that yesterday was when of course we had a match that mattered. Guess who didn't win??? Bingo...not that I let that bother me cause that would be silly and a waste of all the blessings I do have. Mad tennis skills in gale force winds are just not one of them. EVIDENTLY. Onward. Today is after all Friday and since Thursday is my very favorite tv night ever - although Wed. is a very close second due to Modern Family and Cougar Town - I am usually in a fantastic mood just because of Thursday night tv alone. Yes, it doesn't take a lot to make me happy!! Today is really easy - hubby coming home (YEA!!!) - lunch for a girlfriend turning 50 but not looking it!! AND not me turning 50 - even better!!! Then house and dog stuff....ya know basic quick pick up and fluff and because of Puppy Flu I now have two puppies that I have to pretend to housetrain. Pretend is key word cause THEY are having none of that....it is waay more fun to just pee and poo whenever and wherever the mood stikes. Pollyanna that I am - I am just pretending this is all okay and that I am actually working out as I SQUAT and pick up and spray with cleaner all their good intentions. And wine is very important at the end of the day. THIS is work people!!

Anyway, for some unknown reason I was a touch cranky today....so when my best girls called and said "Happy Hour??" I said, " Hells, yes!!" That my friend is the beauty of crate training your puppies!! Even when they are the cutest things that ever walked the earth at the end of a day of nonstop pee and poo - time in the crate is truly a beautiful thing. So to all those negative Nellies that say "OMG, puppies are worse than babies!! What are you thinking???!!" I say, "I'm pretty freakin sure it is illegal to stick a BABY in a crate but there are books out there saying it is BEST to put your puppies in one!!" So there. Then again babies wear diapers and don't pee and poo everywhere. And that my friend is where doggie diapers come into this story. IF you want a real chuckle just check out this website (trust me - even if you are allergic to animals you will get a kick out of this!!)Pantsfordogs.com - Not only do they make pants/diapers they make and have pictures of THONGS for dogs!!! Warning this is not for the faint of heart. It does sort of look like doggie porn. Not that I would KNOW anything about that - if it even does exist. Just saying...nevermind. Check it out for yourself. Speaking of which my little ANGELS have been running around doing God knows what God knows where. Good news is it is very, very little .....bad news is they do it alot....you do the math. Meanwhile, I think my thighs are actually getting firmer from all the puppie poo/pee squats I'm doing. I think I see a work out video in my future!!! Come on there have been a lot of crappy (pun intended) ones out there and somebody bought them!!

So ...at the end of my day - Happy Hour with some really amazing girlfriends is the perfect end to my week...followed by lots of puppy kisses, hubby kisses and the best Chinese food delivered to my door - Chopsticks Asian Cafe - Orange chicken and Imperial Shrimp - OMG that is soooo good!!If you are lucky enough to live in McKinney, call 972-542-6969 and have them deliver!! Tell them I said so!!

Latest Health Alert

Here is the latest flu alert...I've warned you about wine flu and tennis flu(see girlygirl.pnn.com)...both are extremely contagious and potent. However, this latest flu alert could be THE ONE. The one that could rapidly spread and infect us all. PUPPY FLU!!! Cute but deadly...VERY cute but not to be taken lightly!! People this is serious. Stop and listen - it could happen to you. IT HAPPENED TO ME AND NOW I HAVE FOUR FREAKIN DOGS!!! YES,,, FOUR DOGS!! Even scarier two are PUPPIES/POOP & PEE MACHINES with fur. Good news I am not totally stupid. They do not shed - but they poo and pee every ten minutes. Wherever they are AT THAT TIME. And usually NOT where you are desperately trying to train them to go.

Now that I have your attention and you are freakin and wanting to know how this happened to me and more important how to keep this from happening to you!! I KNOW!! I am now officially the crazy dog lady. Thank god, I'm married and it's puppies and not cats...that is a whole nuther problemo folks...one step away from stuff that you do not need stacked all over your house. Has it's own tv show called Horders...do not go there my friend. So back to me and my sweetest baby girls...puppy baby girls.

Yes, I was only looking for one puppy. I've even tried to wait until something horrible happened to the two wonderful dogs we already have. Lucky for us they are going to defy all odds and live to be 2000 in dogie years. And that is all good for us. I just want a little itty bitty dog before I DIE. So, shoot me for going ahead and falling for my friend Laura's Coton de Tulear puppy....This was when I got infected. All I did was show up for a Super Bowl pre party with some dip and chips. Next thing I know I am totally obsessed with her little dog named Bing. I know how cute is that. Bing Crosby is so proud. And I fell in love. Perfect dog ever. Under 10lbs. and doesn't shed and doesn't even smell. Sold.

But not so fast...this breed is rare and hard to find. Also in the very pricey range for dogs. Being the smart girl that I am I immediately told Wonderman that this was ALL I wanted for Valentines. Since this was in January and he had no freakin idea what he was going to give me for V- Day he thought this was a good idea and getting him off the hook and out of a jewelry store. Silly man...love him anyway. As I mentioned these pups can cost a whole lot and that is just getting them home. After weeks of searching and no luck/under 2000$ range (even I wouldn't pay that) I found someone that had a litter of pups. And they were waaaay under priced. Why? I don't really want to know. Cute and healthy and I'm good to go. So long story short. I asked Baby girl to come home from college and help me pick out my newest pup. Big mistake. She picked out hers and mine. And that is how I ended up with double the loving and trouble. Plan is in the fall Lacy will go off to college with Baby Girl and Layla will be all mine...we'll see how that goes.

Now the part you really want to know...how do you keep from getting Puppy Flu? Well, do NOT come to my house under any circumstances to see me or my sweet itty bitty girls. Once you do and see and hold them it is All OVER FOR YOU MY FRIEND!! All it takes is one minute and you too will be infected and next thing ya know you too are trolling the internet looking for your puppy fix. Looking at pictures on my iphone can be dangerous but not instantly infectious. But they are pretty dang cute and the seed can be planted. And once you actually see and hold them it is game over my friend. You officially have Puppy Flu!!

More fun ways to waste time....

As if this blog isn't enough of a time vacuum...OMG! Thanks to ya'll that keep telling me how funny I am - here I am again...wanting to please and trying to be funny. Some days the funny feels flat. Like a bad hair day. Why does that happen anyway??? WTF is a bad hair day? Well, duh, we know WHAT it is...I mean HOW does it happen??? We pretty much do the same frickin thing to our hair everyday. Some days it is all fluffy and shiny and you know you are rockin it. And then you do the exact dang thing and it looks like someone put NAIR in your shampoo bottle...I am pretty much all about routine...hair and makeup is quick and easy cause I do the same thing all the time. That is why it totally shocks me when the hair falls flat. Usually when it matters the most - as in I am going somewhere where someone else will see me. If I am staying home and Wonderman is out of town on VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS...my hair is freakin fabulous. I should just call everyone I know and say,"Hey, I'm having an amazing hair day/night/30 minutes...hurry over and come see and ooh and ahhh...I've got wine. Really, it will be fun!" Bet you wish you were my BFF right now!! I am fun time...

Okay, I totally feel a ramble coming on...but the whole bad hair thing made me think about something else. This is important and I think all us white chicks need to pay attention to our black sistas...we all know our fannies are flatter and we are so freaked out about the size of them and that is sad....smaller is not always better and we need to learn to Love our curves and try to get some more junk in the trunk. That is old news. Thanks to J Lo and Beyonce we are learning to love the curves - and we should. There really is nothing sexy or healthy about a bag of bones. Now, the other thing the black girls know about is WIGS!!! We are getting there with hair extensions, but how freakin easy would it be if you are having a bad hair day to just slap a wig on!!! OMG it could be long or short or a totally different color. We really need to look into this. My new best friend in my head is Wendy Williams and her tv show is soooo much fun!! It keeps me on my treadmill when I am beyond ready to stop and go do something way more fun. She is dishy and fun and very proper and classy too. AND she knows how to rock some hair and curves!!! Not all natural but at our age a little help can go a long way. I'm just saying hats are great for hiding bad hair days but wigs could rock our world....

Now back to what I was really going to blog about today....Remember ramble is my middle name...time vacuum but fun - Words Free or Words With Friends - app for iphone. THANKS so much to my friends that thought I needed something besides Facebook, my blogs, tennis, books and monthly mags to keep me busy. Not to mention all my favorite tv shows -THANK You SWEET BABY JESUS - for Direct TV!!! NOOOOOOO, now I am playing this freakin FUN word game - sorta like scrabble but not so they don't get sued for copyright infringement...on my phone. I remember the good old days when I didn't even have a charger for my phone cause I left it in my car all the time and it prolly wasn't even on anyway. NOW I am not only carrying my phone around from room to freakin room all day I am constantly checking to see if it is my turn to play my next word...I honestly don't know why I am doing this cause I totally suck at it and all my frenemies are totally kicking my ass at this new FUN WAY TO WASTE MORE TIME I DONT' HAVE!!! So if you have an iphone you HAVE to get this app....I think I read somewhere that people that use their brains for word games have a better chance of not getting.......what's the word....dementia. And I also read that red wine is good for your heart or something healthy...so go boost the economy - buy more iphones, apps, wigs and red wine!!! And best of all - Words Free App is FREE!!!Loving that!!